What Do I Tell My Children?

 

The questions never arrive when you are ready. What to say when they do — and the two instincts that make it worse.

The questions never arrive when you are ready. They come in the car, at bedtime, halfway through something else — never in the moment you rehearsed for.

Two instincts make it worse. The first is to explain, because reasons feel like honesty. The second is to correct the version they have been told. Both put adult material into a child's hands.

What a child needs is short, warm and true, with the adult detail left out.

You are not required to give a complete answer

Only an honest one. “That's a grown-up thing, and it isn't yours to carry” is a full and respectful answer. Children rarely want the facts of the breakdown. They want to know that they are safe, that it is not their fault, and that they are still loved by both of you. Almost every question is a version of one of those three.

Four questions, and what to say

“Why aren't you and Mum/Dad together any more?”
Try: “We couldn't make it work living together. That's a grown-up thing between us — nothing to do with you, and we both still love you just the same.”
Avoid reasons, fault or history. Even a soft version invites them to judge one of you.

“Is it my fault?”
Try: “No. Not even a little bit. Nothing you did or said caused this.”
Avoid a quick “of course not” and a change of subject. Answer it fully, more than once.

“Where am I going to live?”
Try: “You'll have two homes and a bed in both. We're still working out the days, and you'll be one of the first to know.”
Avoid promising arrangements before they are agreed, and never ask where they would prefer to live.

“Mum/Dad says you…”
Try: “I'm sorry you heard that. I won't talk about your mum/dad with you. What I can tell you is what I'm doing: I'm here every Wednesday.”
Avoid defending yourself. You will lose the child while winning the argument.

Then stop talking

Say the short version and wait. If they want more, they will ask. Use the same words each time — changing your story, even to improve it, sounds like uncertainty.

If you are ambushed at an impossible moment, “can we talk about it properly after tea?” is legitimate, as long as you come back to it.

Then repeat the three messages far more often than feels necessary: you are safe, it is not your fault, we both love you.

Where to go next

These scripts assume an ordinary separation. Where a child has witnessed abuse or is being drawn into adult conflict, take advice rather than improvising.

This post is about the questions that ambush you. For the first conversation — the planned one — the NSPCC's guidance on supporting children through separation and divorce covers choosing the moment and telling them together.